A confession: I can’t seem to get myself to write as I used to.
I am frozen with all my ideas. There is a lot going on and needs to be documented but I can’t seem to get myself to type, pen them down. The fear to share my thoughts has shaking in my body. All I am able to do nowadays is Facebook posts, I can’t even tweet as much.
This page has been open in my browser, for a month. I click on it and freeze, my mind goes in shock and my heart races. My fingers tremble and my eyes start to tear. Then, there is this fear of what I would write. What would it mean, for what purpose and for who?
I am trembling as I type this, it has taken me 2 hours to get to this paragraph. Too many thoughts, too many deletes, too many closed tabs, and openings.
So, I have told myself, ‘Write Kahill, let it just flow through you. Let the sound of the keyboard buttons be your guiding element.’ After posting take yourself out for an ice cream on this cold afternoon and a movie to celebrate the overcoming.
Now, here I am at 205 words thinking I can do this for the ice cream and the Deadpool movie, yes I can. But the self-doubt has arrived, the frozen ideas are now missing, the hands are trembling. I thank God for computers, my handwriting is not the best but with this trembling, it would be worse than a doctor’s.
247 words after 2 hours and 55 minutes.
Not that I have a word count target. I wish I had set one though. But because now I can’t take it anymore. The way my heart is beating, I am actually sweating. I don’t understand why I am so scared of doing this but here we are, I am done.